The Reality Of Commitment Through Long Distance.

A conversation with Athena and Kenny.

Her: Athena | 28 | Project Management

Him: Kenny | 30 | Asset Protection & Fitness Trainer

Relationship Status: Dating, 7 Years

Athena and Kenny met in 2007 and built a deep friendship. By 2011, they decided to make it official. Seven years later, they’ve got a love that’s definitely withstood its fair share of trials. Over the years, the biggest test has been continuing to stay committed while living long distance. However, they agree that living far apart can make you highly appreciative of the moments you have physically together. Now, the two live in Brooklyn and were able to put the days of distance behind them, once Athena graduated and relocated to New York.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Q: What does black love mean to the black community?

Kenny: I think it’s very important when you’ve got a lot of broken homes and a society that was taught to be broken. [Black love] doesn’t seem real. People, especially the youth, need to see it and be immersed in it. At the end of the day, we need more examples of black love.

Athena: I think black love to the black community means hope. It means perseverance. Some may think it’s an anomaly, based on their experiences. However, with black love, I don’t solely limit it to couples. It’s also relationships with family, friends, teachers and community leaders. To me, it is the root of the black community and individuals plant seeds for that love to grow.

Q: Do you think there’s sufficient/significant representation of black love in media? Are you encouraged or discouraged by those you see in real life or in media?

Athena: I don’t think the concept of black love is one size fits all. It’s easy to say that black love isn’t portrayed in the media as positively as we’d like. We do have black relationships on television shows like Black-ish and This Is Us, however, for the relationships that aren’t deemed positive in media or in real life, when you dissect different dynamics of relationships, even the negative portrayal can have a positive aspect that one can apply to their relationship. Andre and Rainbow are black love. Jody and Yvette are black love.

Kenny: Yes and no. I do feel encouraged by seeing certain relationships and their foundations, seeing what two people can accomplish. You can be great individually, but when you team up with a like-minded person who has similar beliefs as you, the outcomes can be huge. I do think black love in the media can be one-sided. Everyone’s life isn’t a Black-ish or a Family Matters. You may not be in the best neighborhoods or have the best jobs, but that black love can still exist.

Q: What’s the hardest part about being a millennial in a relationship?

Kenny: The impact and distraction of social media. Fantasy worlds, perfect relationships and flawless bodies live there. When in reality, these aren’t tangible, perfect items. Everything comes in different shapes, sizes and dynamics. A lot of posts are done for show on social media, versus being authentic.

Athena: Doing it all. Millennials are the generation that can do anything and everything at anytime. When it’s time to execute though, this thing called balance tends to get in the way. I’m like, wow, I have a great job, started my own business, have a robust friend group, travel the world and see my family. But then I have to have a whole other relationship with a whole other person that I have to consider with every move I make, on top of showing them love and attention. The balancing act is so difficult. As a black millennial woman, I have the notion of “Fuck it, I’ll do it. I’ll handle it. I got it.” I think now, some black women, including myself, are showing that side of vulnerability. It’s a tug of war between can I handle everything and do I need to handle everything.

Q: Are there any individual relationship struggles that you had to overcome?

Athena: We were long distance for three years. There were years when I saw him four to five times max. While hard, it definitely made our relationship stronger because we were taught to utilize every single second that we had with each other. It was an interesting and tough time. The confidence and will you need to have are essential.

Kenny: Same here. I had to be dedicated and have faith that our long distance relationship would work out in the end. It was complicated and full of compromise. You have to know whether that person is worth the sacrifice before jumping into a long distance relationship.

Q: Previous generations had clear and specific gender roles. How do you two define each other’s roles in your relationship, if at all?

Athena: No gender roles. However, learning how to be OK with Kenny helping me was hard. I was taught to be independent and earn your own, no matter what. When we started living together, he took on more responsibility, and that was difficult for me to comply with. I was used to taking out the trash, washing dishes, picking up dinner and sorting the finances. Compromise and communication helped me let go of being Superwoman everyday. That’s when our relationship turned into a partnership.

Kenny: Growing up, I knew about the stereotypical roles; as a man, I should be the financial provider and protector. However, times and situations have changed. Sticking to those “roles” is living someone else's standards, not my partner's. You have to do what’s best for your situation. For me, I want to be perfect and stable in every aspect: physically, mentally, financially, spiritually. I want to be the best for her based off of who I am. She has certain standards and I have to work towards meeting those for her and myself.

Q: Do you feel pressured by your family to be with someone who looks like you?

Athena: No, my Guyanese parents didn’t make it a thing. I knew they wanted me to stay true to my culture and not lose that when dating an American, but I was never told that I have to marry a Guyanese or a black person.

Kenny: No. Growing up, my mom jokingly told me, “If she can’t use your comb, don’t bring her ass home.” My family knows me and understands whoever I chose to be with, no matter the race and nationality, would be thoroughly respected by me and, ultimately, them.

Q: What is it about having a black significant other that impacts you the most?

Athena: He sees me inside and out. I’m here for love — all shades and dynamics, all of it — but from a black love perspective, he understands who I am, where I come from and who I could be. There are some things that don’t even need to be said because he understands what we go through as black people.

Kenny: She understands me that much more. I’m not saying that love and connection can’t happen between different races, clearly it does, but the conversations and connections we have, because we are two black individuals, can’t be replicated.